Divorce is hard on everyone involved.

While parents get a divorce, it’s never an easy experience for the children . But you can help how divorce affects children. It doesn’t have to be too painful. By sticking to several ground rules and being there for your kids, you can avoid any long-term traumas.

When you know your children are not suffering, you will go through this period easier as well.

Here are some basic tips on how to make how divorce affects children easier for all involved:

1. Get a helping hand

Before you manage to deal with your children, you need to take care of yourself. The first days after deciding to get a divorce are the hardest, according to many. If you don’t feel well enough to talk to your children about the situation, see if your kids can stay with your parents or someone else you trust. It is much more convenient than lying to your children about your bad mood or explaining the situation while you are still not sure how to feel about it.

2. Forget about badmouthing your ex

Of course, it is understandable that the divorce situation hurts you and the very thought of your ex can make you incredibly emotional in the worst possible way. Be careful not to flaunt those feelings in front of your children, especially if they are still very young. Saying mean things about your ex-spouse can emotionally confuse them.

3. Don’t try to buy your children’s love

It is not uncommon for the parents who are getting a divorce to shower their kids with presents in order to turn out more likable than their ex-spouse. Earn their love by showing understanding for what they are going through and expect a better understanding of your own situation in return.

4. Communicate with your ex

Divorce doesn’t mean that all the responsibilities regarding your children should belong to one of the parents only, be it you or your spouse. No matter how complicated your marriage and divorce are, you should still be able to communicate with your ex and discuss your children’s needs, future and well-being. Of course, this only applies to you if the reasons of your divorce do not involve complications such as abuse. If there are extenuating circumstances, such as safety risks, you need to use all the available legal means to isolate yourself and your kids from your ex.

5. Don’t count the seconds your kids spend with your ex

Naturally, your kids will feel the need to see their other parent as well. If your ex is seeing your kids only on weekends and they stay a couple of hours longer than it was planned, don’t make a big deal out of it. Imposing a sense of guilt for spending time with their other parent is not something you want to do to your kids, as it can even turn them against you.

6. Show understanding for your children’s mistakes

Some children are more sensitive during the divorce period than others. Some children start getting bad grades when their parents separate. Some of them become quieter. If your kids behave differently than usual during your divorce, the key thing to know is that you should not pressure them to work harder or ground them when they get a bad grade. They need some time to process the situation and imposing additional tensions won’t speed it up.

7. Settle for a fair alimony

Being a single parent can often be challenging. In order to provide your children with everything they need, get a good lawyer who can get you an alimony that will cover such expenses. But don’t demand more than what is reasonable. Set realistic expectations and demands to avoid disappointments during the alimony negotiations.

8. Do what you regularly do with your children

Play with them. Take walks. See a movie. Don’t deprive your kids of the regular parts of their routine. This will help them understand the divorce doesn’t change everything about their lives, and it can be useful for you as well to continue with your life as normally as you can. In this specific moment, regular activities may even create a stronger bond between you and your children.

9. Talk to your kids

Your words are as important as your actions. Prepare yourself for numerous unpleasant questions and explanations. You might have to reassure your children your divorce doesn’t have to do anything with them. Saying a simple “I love you” is also emotionally useful and in this period, maybe you should repeat it more often.

10. Consult an expert

If you notice your children are having extremely difficult time coping with your divorce, it is good to take them to a children’s therapist who is trained for such situations. It is a good way for your children to externalize their feelings, define them and, finally, cope with them. It can also prevent long-term consequences.

Don’t worry.

Big changes such as divorce bring big challenges but with a good and honest communication, you and your children can overcome it. Some days will be worse than others, yet, they will pass as well. Let your children know you are there for them and not even those bad days will be that terrible.

Divorce is rarely easy. If you have gone through a divorce, what advice would you give? 

For more like this, read: How to Cope as a Single Parent

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