Is being strict making you a stressed out parent?

The other day, I attended a forum where mums come together to discuss various issues that affect their families. The main focus is always on our kids and how to be better parents to them. No one wants to be a stressed out parent.

A lot of issues were raised and among them was the issue of how best to raise a child. While some were of the opinion that being strict and punishing the child whenever the child goes wrong is the best method, others said that the relaxed parental style was the best method.

As a mother of a 5-year old, lover of positive discipline and owner of this blog, I became quite interested in listening to both parties.  I have never been supportive of punishing a child whenever the child goes wrong.  The reason is that that pattern has never yielded any positive result.

Yet, I was still very much interested in the argument and paid close attention as both sides made their points. The hard rule about making punishment a priority when a child goes wrong didn’t really catch my interest. I was interested in learning about the relaxed way of parenting and its benefits.

10 points were raised and I noted them down to share with you. Here we go:

Understand your child

A New York psychiatrist who specializes in helping parents out with their parental challenges, Dr. Clara Burn, said that our children always express their thoughts and feelings through behavior. What she means is that if your child agrees or refuses to do something you asked him to do, there is a reason for it.

It is now left for you to find out why the child behaved in such a manner. Once you are able to understand why the child did so, you can then tackle the issue in the right way without victimizing him.

Be patient

Don’t always rush to judge a child’s actions. You should spend time to teach the child how to do things the right way. While doing so, you also let the child know the implication of each action. If you do not put in effort by patiently teaching a child the right things to do, you will spend more time correcting him when he goes wrong.

Give your undivided attention

As an adult, you know how good you feel when someone pays you undivided attention. You feel good, right? That is the same thing with our children. You can choose a particular number of hours a day to spend time with the child. This will bond you two together.

Don’t take every cry seriously

If you want to practice the relaxed way of parenting, then it’s time to ignore some gimmicks your child uses on you. Yes, children use crying to attract our attention. And if they know that they always get you worked up with their cries, they tend to do it more.

This does not mean that you should ignore your child when he is crying, especially if it for a good reason. But if it is manipulative, learn to get used to it. I tell you, he will stop using it to manipulate you once he sees it does not affect you anymore.

Stop trying to be a super mum

An English psychoanalyst and pediatrician, Dr. Donald Vinicio, came up with the phrase, “good enough mother.” And this is what a family therapist, Susan Landon, recommends for all mums to adopt. No one is perfect, not even I.

It’s alright to strive for excellence. But if you want to enjoy the relaxed pattern of parenting, then stop trying too hard to be the perfect mum. You are bound to fall in trying to get it right with your child. Forgive yourself when you don’t succeed. Dust yourself up and try again.

Admit your faults

When you are wrong, admit it. That is a good way to teach your child to be accountable when he is at fault.

You matter too

Yes, you are human and should not lose yourself by paying every attention on your child. Have a mummy time for yourself. Put your needs first from time to time. This will prevent you from falling apart when the going becomes tough.

Appreciate your child when he does something right

Believe it or not, your child wants to impress you. While you are correcting the child for the times he goes wrong, don’t fail to praise him when he gets it right.

Let the child develop his personality

Without failing and rising up again, your child may never learn to be independent. Understand that it is this process that will help him develop his personality.

Let him take charge sometimes

If I were to be your boss in the office and you are a junior, then one day, I hand over the management of the office to you for 1 day or 2, what would you do?

My guess is that you would want to impress me by putting every effort to make that happen. Allow your child take charge of some things in the house from time to time. Just make sure you are observing from a distance so that things do not get out of hand.

What this does to your child is that it gives him a sense of responsibility and the belief that you trust him. And it gives you sometime to relax.

Now that you have learned the relaxed way of parenting, are you going to try it out? You can also check out this book by Dr. Laura Markham:  Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.