Many parents struggle to get their child to clean their room.

Are you one of those plagued by finding dirty laundry along with unworn clothes piled high everywhere? Do your kids leave litter and garbage scattered in every nook and cranny? You’ve asked them over and over again to clean their room. Do you come up against that apathetic, uncaring attitude: “Whatever Mum. It doesn’t bother me!”

Frustrated is the polite word for how you probably feel.

Angry and exhausted is maybe a better description.

Most kids who don’t keep their rooms clean and tidy, do so because they just can’t be bothered.  They don’t want to and they don’t care. As far as they are concerned, they can scramble around and get what they need when they need it.  And there are far more important things to do, aren’t there?

What drives them is excitement. Watching TV, texting friends, posting on social media.. there are so many things they would rather be doing.   Having fun versus doing a chore? It’s a bit of a no-brainer. They don’t like to clean their room.

Persuasion or power struggle?

With effort and luck some children can be persuaded to clean their room.  But all too often they refuse because they perceive cleaning their room to be a weapon in a much bigger ongoing power struggle with the grownups.

In these circumstances, kids are not motivated to just duck the task of cleaning alone. They sincerely want to rebel and resist doing anything mom or dad wants them to do.  And in so doing, they press your buttons to trigger a reaction. And worse, the harder you try, the more intransigent they are likely to become.

Don’t take it personally!

Whatever you do though, do NOT take this antagonistic behavior personally. It’s a phase most children go through in their bid to assert themselves. It’s their problem, not yours. Your job, however hard it may sometimes seem, is to teach them how to solve it and enjoy life.

Parents need to learn to “let it go”. It’s actually perfectly reasonable. If a child wants to live with mess, sometimes the best way is to let the issue work itself through. Just let it happen.

Of course, this approach doesn’t always work – and even if it does eventually, it’s going to take time, grit and patience on your part. Sometimes the dirtiness that emanates from an untidy room may be so much that it contributes to health issues like pest infestation and it has to be tackled with more urgency.

Strategies to try:

When, as far as you are concerned, a clean room is of fundamental importance, you need a strategy. Here are a few from which to choose:

1. Divide and rule:

   Try splitting the room up so that you can speed up the cleaning process.  Getting your kid to work on a bit at a time helps them to focus. They won’t get as overwhelmed by a big mess when you tell them to pick up just their clothes.  Then they can take out the trash, and after that to put away the toys. Breaking large tasks down like this takes less time than arguing with them to clean their room. It may be that your kid needs the guidance, because he or she just hasn’t got a clue where to start.

2. Lend a hand.

   Youngsters may need help to get started. Spend 15 or 20 minutes in the room with your kid to demonstrate how to finish the task. That may be all the encouragement needed. It will feel more like a team game. Plus you’ll be able to teach them just what you expect them to do. Too often we can assume our kids know how to do things when they honestly don’t. Show them the ropes and make it fun. Be a good role model and help them clean their room.

3. Don’t do it for them.

   If your kid is old enough to be expected to clean their room, don’t even think about doing it for them! All that would happen is that you’ll be taken for granted quicker than you can say vacuum cleaner. Your kid will quite simply not respect you. Kids need to know that when you say something you mean it.  So caving into their laziness is not a good strategy for success.

   When kids receive the message that you will do it yourself, your authority will be in jeopardy. Doing the cleaning yourself may seem the easier course of action, but in the long run, you will simply be contributing to the child’s lack of motivation. The rule should be that once a kid is in elementary school, he or she should be capable of doing most of the jobs involved in keeping their rooms clean and tidy without any help from you. You just have to hold them accountable.

4. Use and deny rewards:

   Encourage the behavior you desire by using consequences linked to tasks. If your children do at least some work on keeping their rooms as you like them, then you can give them a privilege as a reward. When they don’t, make sure that they know the privilege is being put on hold until at least part of the chore is complete. Aim to build this into a routine so you can begin to expect weekly cleaning. It may not guarantee your kid keeps the room clean and tidy, but employing consequences will help the learning process.

The bottom line is that our job as parents is to provide the skills and opportunities for our children to do as we expect. Our kids will choose what they do, but there are ways of nudging their choices in the right direction. Children will always tend to make their own choices no matter what. But as long as we are helping our kids solve problems by using appropriate rewards and other consequences as a way of motivating them, we’ll be able to hold them accountable. Supplying them with the tools and experiences that enable them to take care of their space and themselves is the best we can do.

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